


The One Who Saves Me

by renjunismymotivation



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Broken Families, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Light Angst, M/M, Male Friendship, Soft Huang Ren Jun, Soft Na Jaemin, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:09:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28595265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renjunismymotivation/pseuds/renjunismymotivation
Summary: Perhaps every superhero needs to be saved too.-In which Renjun is his own superhero but he thinks Jaemin is the one who saves him.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 24





	The One Who Saves Me

_Home sweet home._

_It sounds like rainbows and unicorns and cotton candy – a place where dreams come true, where only laughter and smiles fill the whole room, where the light is always shining, where everything is just as perfect as everyone wishes._

_But how sweet is your home?_

_Is it sweeter than your favourite childhood lollipop?_

_Is it sweeter than the sugar you add to your coffee or tea?_

_Is it sweeter than the Belgium white chocolate that melts in your mouth?_

_How sweet should your home be for you to finally be able to say ‘home sweet home’ out loud?_

_And if it’s not sweet, should the phrase be ‘home bitter home’?_

_If home is the place where the only sounds emit are muffled sobs through the pillow, is it suitable to even call it a home?_

_If home is the place where your mental strength is being tortured over and over again, is it still a home?_

_And if it’s not a home, what do you call it?_

_**HELL**._

_In the midst of pandemic, welcome to hell._

_Hell bitter hell._

_**3 rd July 2020** _

_**Skyscraper** _

-

Renjun clicks on the ‘send’ button. In a matter of seconds, the anonymous post is available on the campus confession website.

It becomes a habit of his – to write down his inner thoughts and post them on the website. Hiding behind the nickname ‘Skyscraper’, his thoughts are able to be expressed freely without anyone judging the real him.

He doesn’t know if anyone has ever read any of his previous posts since there is no such information showed on the website, but he hopes someone can gain strength from his writing. He isn’t the best when it comes to words and honestly, he excels in painting more, but words leave a greater imprint in someone’s heart compared to stilled pictures.

Sniffling the dried tears that block his nose, he takes a quick glance on the mirror placed at the right corner of his study table. Damn, he looks messed up. His eyes are bright red. The bags under the exhausted eyes are swollen from the hours of spilling tears and choking on them with the desperation to keep them in the lacrimal sac. His lips are stained with some blood that ooze out as he bites the bottom part hard to muffle the sobs that threaten to come out.

Shame consumes him wholly as he stares at his ugly reflection in the mirror.

The person before his eyes looks nothing like the persona he builds and shows in front of people. Huang Renjun other people know is the person that radiates confidence and positivity, the one that only plasters smiles and laughter on his beautiful face, the one who appreciates himself more than anyone can ever do, and most importantly, that Huang Renjun is especially kind to himself.

“Why are you making that face, like an idiot?” he whispers under his breath, voice stuck in his dry throat. His inside boils like an erupting volcano, mad at how weak he is.

“Is that how confidence look like?” the corners of his mouth curl upwards sinisterly. He laughs at how pathetic he seems when truth is, the trigger is really nothing.

If he were in his right state of mind, that would be nothing.

If he weren’t so stressed out about the upcoming examination, he wouldn’t be breaking down over such simple things.

“Is that the face that resembles you?”

There is a long moment of silence before he finally shakes his head. His eyes tremble as they shoot him a sharp burning gaze from the mirror. “No, of course not,” his fist grips the hem of his sweatshirt, “I don’t look like that. I’m much better than that.”

It takes him many efforts to be able to say such things, to lie to himself that he is, indeed, a strong man. He isn’t particularly wrong – he is strong, just not in this aspect. When it comes to family, he is all soft and sensitive. Perhaps it’s the environment he is exposed to that’s making him weak.

Or perhaps it’s the external stress that’s killing him inside.

“You don’t need anyone to save you. You save yourself.”

The guts he has to make himself believe that he is some sort of a hero, that he is the only person who can save himself.

“The words they tell you mean nothing,” he tells himself. “The words you tell yourself matter.”

“You’re worthy of life. You’re needed. You’re enough.” He repeats those words over and over again. He shuts his eyes tightly as crystals well in his eyes for the umpteenth time that day. The painful words coming out of the mouth of his parent echo in his ears.

“You’re nothing but a mere mistake.” The angry high-pitched voice rings in his head a little too loud that his chants are suddenly muted. His lips freeze, tongue tied. A part of him agrees with his mother. He is nothing but a mere mistake. His whole existence is a mistake. Other than being a mistake, he is nobody. He has no purpose in life. He brings nothing great to life. He doesn’t contribute anything but toxic wastes to the earth. His parents don’t want him in the first place. In other words, he should’ve died when the opportunity comes.

A strong slap lands on his cheek.

_Wake up, Renjun._

At times like this, there is only one person he can reach out for – Na Jaemin. He is the only one that knows what to reply when Renjun is being irrational. He is like snow to an erupting volcano, putting those senseless thoughts in Renjun’s messed up mind back to their original place.

Renjun unlocks his phone and searches for Jaemin’s name in the messaging application.

They haven’t kept in touch for quite a while now, seeing that both of them are busy with their own lives. One as a medical student, and one as a pharmacy student. Not to mention that both are introverts as well.

Jaemin has the tendency to be in his own world and go off radar at times, so it always has to be Renjun who starts reaching out to him.

Renjun doesn’t mind though. He enjoys this kind of friendship – the one that doesn’t require too much energy to keep up with each other but is still going strong. It’s the ideal kind of friendship for an introvert if anyone were to ask him.

> Renjun: Hey, do you have a moment?

Double tick.

Renjun ruffles his hair in frustration. It’s half past one in the morning. It’s late already.

> Jaemin: Is everything alright?

Something tugs his heart at the question.

> Renjun: Yeah. I’m just going through something right now but it’s okay. Will be fine in a bit.

He decides that he’s not worth Jaemin’s time. The problem is simple – him being sensitive over small matters – and the only person who can solve that is himself.

He is his own superhero, after all.

> Jaemin: I’m here if you need to spill anything, okay?
> 
> Renjun: Why are you still awake?
> 
> Jaemin: Exam is just around the corner so yea I’m hitting the book. Gotta study before dying :’)
> 
> Jaemin: How about you? Are you sure you don’t wanna talk about it?
> 
> Renjun: I’ll be fine. Maybe I should sleep. My emotions are unstable.
> 
> Jaemin: Alright then. Tell me if you need someone to talk to, okay? Good night.
> 
> Renjun: All the best with your studies, Jaemin. Good night.

Renjun props himself up and switches off the lights. With calculated steps, he lays on his single bed at the corner of the room. The satin sheet is cold from the air-conditioner that’s turned on since 11 p.m. Renjun was planning to sleep early few hours ago when the familiar yells broke the silence of the house. A loud thump of the door was heard before his mother barged into his room and spat those painful words.

Trembling, his fingers type something in the search engine box – _Mentally-abusive parents_.

-

_They claimed they’re your guardian angels._

_They said they would protect you from any harm, from any danger._

_But they never told you that they were one of them. They never told you that they would be one of those people who hurt you the most. They never told you that they would be the ones to rip your heart apart before anyone could. They never told you that the pain they caused you would keep bleeding that scars wouldn’t even form._

_The wound would keep on bleeding and the next thing you knew, you’d bleed to death._

_It’s irony, don’t you think?_

_You thought they were your heroes._

_Truth is, they’re the villains in your story._

_**4 th July 2020** _

_**Skyscraper** _

-

Renjun doesn’t think he manages to sleep at all that night. He tosses and turns and tosses and turns and tosses and turns until he grows exhausted from the need to sleep. His eyes are shut but his mind keeps on wandering somewhere else. Flashes of old memories with his parents haunt him that shutting his eyes seems dreadful.

A small voice inside of him asks him questions he doesn’t have the answer to.

Those questions cloud his mind, refusing to go away despite him pushing them off several times.

Reaching for his phone on the nightstand, he types those questions out. Maybe this will help.

-

_There is this one moment in your life, where they would say they’re the ones who know you the most. They knew you very well, they claimed._

_Now, ask them._

_What is your life quote? What do you stand for?_

_What do you do when you’re all alone in your room?_

_What do you do when you’re sad? What calms you down?_

_When do you feel most proud of yourself? When do you feel most alive?_

_Ask them and see how they’ll have all the answers wrong._

_**4 th July 2020** _

_**Skyscraper** _

-

The Sun is already up when Renjun hears the screams again. It’s only nine in the morning yet they shamelessly shout on top of their lungs over the same old thing. It’s always the same topic they argue about every single day that Renjun can already guess the next words coming out of them. Living like this for the past few months since the movement control order, he gains the skills to read his parents. However, it never fails to kill him inside every time it happens.

The pain never hurts less, even when he expects it.

Sounds of glass shattering from the kitchen spark fear mixed with anger in Renjun’s trembling body that he has to pluck in the earphones and turn on some music. The volume is put on the highest that a message pops out, saying that high volume can damage his ears. Renjun closes the reminder and shrugs it off, claiming that he doesn’t matter if his hearing is damaged, because it already is. He only hears curses and offensive words ever since he came home from campus.

He doesn’t think losing his hearing to loud music is that bad of an idea.

In fact, it sounds appealing.

His thoughts are disrupted when the door to his room is opened forcefully, revealing his mad mother with tears rolling down her sagged cheeks. She mutters something before he can press the ‘mute’ button and he only hears the last part of her sentence.

“Come again?”

“I’m tired of everyone in this house. You don’t understand me. You don’t even pity me. You love seeing me suffer.” Her tone only screams disgust. “I’m sick of you and your father. That stupid man only comes home when he’s bored of his mistress.”

Tears form in his eyes as his teeth clench, fist gripping the poor earphones tightly.

_Hold it in, Renjun._

_Suck it up._

“I’m exhausted of seeing you. You should go to hell, together with your father.”

Renjun almost scoffs. He is already in hell.

The moment the door is shut, he breaks down. Those sharp words cut through the open wound in his heart, creating even more damage than he can possibly imagine. He bites his bottom lip to contain the uncontrolled loud sobbing from escaping his mouth. The tip of his tongue can feel the metallic taste of the blood, as usual. His chest heaves, suffocated from offensive words thrown at him. His hands tremble vigorously from the overwhelming sorrow laced with anger, letting the earphones in his grip fall onto the carpet. Slowly, his hands trail upwards towards his neck and encircle the anterior part of it. The pressure is not too much, but it’s enough to make him deprived of oxygen and stop crying.

Renjun then crouches down and clutches the skin covering his heart, so hard that it’s starting to burn. The external pain distracts him from the inner one and for a split second, a sinful idea crosses his mind.

He needs to distract the pain.

The corner of his right eye catches the shining metal of the blue scissors in his pencil case. Without much thinking, he grabs the utensil and brings it to his wrist.

“It’s gonna be really quick,” he whispers, “The pain won’t hurt you that much.”

Once the cold metal touches his pale skin, he stops. His reflection in the mirror catches his attention.

One glance on himself – that’s all it takes to tear himself apart.

He doesn’t recognize the man in the mirror. He doesn’t recognize the pathetic man with semi-dried tears on his flushed cheeks. He doesn’t recognize the pitiful man with shaking eyes and shrunken shoulders. He doesn’t recognize himself anymore.

_Where does the old Huang Renjun go?_

_Is he still alive?_

“Damn,” Renjun shakes his head, “look at you now.”

His gaze is then shifted to the scissors in his hand. He takes a deep breath. One. Two. Three.

“You’re strong, Renjun.” A small voice in his head appears among the devil’s tempting words. “You don’t have to hurt yourself.” The voice comes again. “You have your own back. That’s enough. You love yourself.” Like a ray of sunshine shining through the darkening clouds, the small voice overpowers the evil.

His grip on the scissors loosens.

His hand reaches out for his phone on the bed and absent-mindedly, he opens the messaging application and presses Jaemin’s name.

Na Jaemin will know what to say.

> Renjun: This is weird, and it’s too early for any kind of bullshit, but I’ve been thinking and thinking and now that I finally have the courage to look it up in the internet, and I’m pretty sure I’m going through some kind of emotional abuse by my parent.
> 
> Renjun: I came across this one article that lists down 6 signs of emotionally abusive parents and out of the 6 signs, I can tick 5 off.

He doesn’t expect fast replies from his best friend since high school, but it takes Jaemin exactly 3 minutes to do so.

> Jaemin: Do you want to talk about it? I can call you.

The idea of saying the problem out loud scares Renjun. He is afraid of speaking the truth with his own tongue. It’s like putting salt on a fresh open wound – it’ll hurt even more.

> Renjun: Can’t. I’ll break down.
> 
> Jaemin: Alright, it’s okay.
> 
> Jaemin: But do you still wanna talk about it? I’m here.
> 
> Renjun isn’t originally the person to open up with anyone, especially when it comes to such sensitive topics. He keeps problems to himself but he’s reaching his limit. He doesn’t think he can go on another day keeping things to himself. He needs to pour them out. He needs to spill them and release himself from the metal chain that’s suffocating him from the inside.

It feels new- refreshing, even, to open up to Jaemin.

He puts his shame aside and focuses on himself. He needs this. He needs some kind of relief.

Jaemin lets him tell the whole story before he even replies anything. This simple act of Jaemin fills Renjun’s heart with such warmth, knowing that the person on the other side of the line understands him enough to not interrupt his storytelling session.

> Jaemin: Thank you for trusting me on this. I understand it’s hard to talk about this.
> 
> Jaemin: I can see that you’ve been strong for a long time to endure this. I can’t possibly imagine how painful this can be, but you’re one strong soldier.
> 
> Jaemin: This topic is sensitive and as an outsider, I can lend you my time to hear you out. So, feel free to let the unspoken words out. It’s not my place to advice you about anything, but you can tell me if you want to know my opinions.
> 
> Renjun: It hurts, Jaemin. It really hurts.

The pain is incomparable. It’s indescribable. It hurts more than the fall he had when he was 10, which caused him an ugly ass scar on his right knee. It hurts more than the bullying he experienced throughout high school, just because he was of a different race from the rest of the students. It hurts more than placing at the bottom rank in the examination.

Those are nothing compared to this.

> Jaemin: The first step to heal is always the hardest, but you’re going to get through this just fine.

Somehow, Renjun resents the pandemic. If it weren’t for it, he wouldn’t have to go home and witness everything. He could play ignorant and pretend as if everything were right. If it weren’t for it, he would be able to meet Jaemin and be in his warm embrace. If it weren’t for it, the evil thought of hurting himself wouldn’t even cross his mind.

> Renjun: I almost hurt myself just now. The pain- it seems like a great way to distract myself from the heartbreak. And maybe, if I’m brave enough, I can cut through the artery and end my life. That’ll be quick and less painful.

The text gets Jaemin typing and deleting and typing and deleting and typing his replies a few times. It’s obvious how the man tries to search for the right words to reply, but if only he knew that whatever reply he gave would be enough for Renjun.

> Jaemin: I need Huang Renjun in my life. You mean a lot to me. I am who I am now because of you. You’re one wonderful soul and words won’t do justice to describe how your presence matters.

The thing about Na Jaemin is that he always knows that to say. He is gifted with the ability to say all the right things to Renjun, which is quite hard for other people to do so frankly.

> Renjun: I need to feel loved. I need to feel like I do have a use in this world.
> 
> Jaemin: You are loved. You are needed. And you will be needed in the future too. Even if you feel useless, let me assure you this: There’s someone out there who look up to you and wish they can be you. I’ve seen people who see you as an example.
> 
> Jaemin: The Huang Renjun I know has always kept his composure despite the challenges life throws at him. He always finds strength within him to keep going even when it’s too much. And honestly, that’s so admirable!

Renjun might have never said it out loud, but he secretly thinks Jaemin knows him more than he knows himself. Being together for almost third quarter of a decade, he is sure that the man can read him faster than his brain can instruct his limbs to move.

> Jaemin: But no matter how strong a person is, no matter how good he keeps everything for himself- he is still a human with emotions.

Realization hits him.

Renjun is only a human, after all. No matter how many times he assures himself that he is a superhero, he is only a human with emotions.

But perhaps being a human doesn’t make him less of a superhero.

He is still a superhero to himself.

> Renjun: Sometimes I hope the pain can vanish and that my family can be normal again.
> 
> Jaemin: But the pain is what’s building you up. You may not see it now, but you’re stronger than you were yesterday because of the pain today. Your pain tolerance keeps increasing and increasing, and the next thing you’ll know, you’re gonna be high in the air. You’re gonna be a skyscraper.

_Skyscraper_ – the nickname Jaemin gave him during their high school days.

Jaemin has always thought that Renjun resembles a skyscraper the most.

The Chinese man may not be tall compared to people their age, but his composure was and still is very high. When he was bullied for being different, he didn’t back down. Despite his small build, he fought. He wasn’t afraid of anyone, of anything… just like the skyscraper. No storms could retreat a skyscraper. And nothing could make Renjun back down.

Renjun is a warrior.

He is a _skyscraper_.

> Jaemin: Believe in one thing, Renjun – your happiness is just around the corner, and you’re about to reach them. You deserve happiness and I’ll be here if you need me.
> 
> Jaemin: And you should be proud of yourself. You’re doing the impossible. Opening up to me about such sensitive topics must’ve been hard for you and let me just tell you that I’m proud of you. I’m proud of your courage. I’m proud of your strength.

A superhero is called a hero because he is courageous, not because he doesn’t break down.

A superhero is respected for his strength, not because of the wins he achieves. Losing doesn’t make him less heroic. He is already a superhero for trying, for not running away from the problems.

In a battle where there is no ending, a superhero is still a superhero, winning or losing.

> Jaemin: If there’s anything I can do to help you, please let me know.
> 
> Renjun: You helped me a lot, Jaemin.
> 
> Renjun: Perhaps I just need your words to go through this.
> 
> Renjun: Thank you so much for being here.
> 
> Jaemin: I’ve told you before that you are and will always be my priority.

A superhero isn’t a superhero without his loved ones, without his person.

And perhaps Na Jaemin is the backbone of superhero Renjun.

-

_To be a superhero – that sounds appealing._

_It sounds like unlimited courage, unbeatable strength, and countless of victory. It sounds like the world is on your side. It sounds like your have happiness in the palm of your hand._

_But the truth is, every superhero starts with a defeat._

_Every superhero has a troubled history._

_Because if they only live in Neverland, they won’t be a superhero._

_But..._

_Sometimes every superhero needs a shoulder to lean on._

_Perhaps every superhero needs to be saved too._

_When sadness engulfs you and chokes you to death, who do you turn to?_

_When you can’t save yourself, who do you think is going to save you?_

_When you lose hope in yourself, who is going to believe in you?_

_That’s right, your person._

**_4 th July 2020_ **

**_Skyscraper_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are very much appreciated <3


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